Bob Faw, interviewed on NEDD Radio by Tom Raffio, head of Northeast Delta Dental
Feedforward is usually far easier to give than feedback. Most of the time it is more helpful: specific, clear, actionable, and positive. Learn what it is, and how to do it well. Improve relationships at work and home. Achieve success more easily.
This video is Bob Faw teaching how to use feedforward, in performance management, and elsewhere in life.
I give ideas on how to use these positive motivators for increased passion and performance. Thanks to Dan Pink for his great work in “Drive”!
Karyn Myers, in a leadership training course of mine, used the “Positive Change Questions” and “Positive Reframing” to help solve a high-stakes family challenge. I think it’s a wonderful story.
Positive Change Questions
- What works?
- What else?
|Situation:||My son’s wedding. The wedding party was meeting for the rehearsal the day before the wedding at 6:00pm. During the rehearsal we realized that there WERE NO FLOWERS at the spot where the couple were exchanging vows. The bride thought in May that there would be flowers grown in where the arbor was but there was nothing. Needless to say, chaos ensued. Cavemen came charging in with Freeze (the bride), Fight (moms and others), Flight (Groom).|
- Goals: Decorate the area or get flowers and make sure everyone was still speaking at the rehearsal dinner (which was in 45 minutes).
- What worked: Asking everyone what we could do in the time that we had to fix the situation. Everyone kept coming back to why/how did this happen, why didn’t someone think of this, how could this happen, etc.
Meanwhile, the time is ticking by with nothing happening and everyone blaming. I came back a number of times asking for ideas to make this special for Melissa and Andrew (the bride and groom). Responses, at first, started with, “I can’t believe this is happening…”. I tried to refocus them by saying that this gives us a great opportunity to do something for the couple and have a part in creating their ceremony. That seemed to be the comment that started to bring people around. Then ideas started coming from people about what they had at home, who could run to the store, florists in the area to contact right then, who could pick up if we found a florist, who would be in charge of setup. It really drove home the positive concept for me because as soon as people realized that they could contribute in a meaningful way and knew what the end goal was things started to come together. It was beneficial for me because I would not have handled this situation this way if I had not participated in this course. I also would not have seen the situation in quite the same way – I would have been too involved in the emotions and blame.
3. What else?: This really wasn’t a situation where this applied to the group, but I was able to see positive change in action and had a part in its direction and seeing it evolve. It was interesting to see the different personalities (Caveman, Artist, Thinker) come into play.
Question from Bob: Where can you save the day using these questions?
Energizing learning, and future generations of motivated citizens. Wonderful.
Reframing: This is a powerful motivational tool. Reframing our language helps us to influence the “inner movies” that we and others see in our minds. This can make a huge difference in how others perceive us and what we’re telling them. This is also true with family and friends. This truly can help “Make Friends and Influence People”. Because of our caveman, our immediate gut reactions are often to focus on risks and only see problems. This can blurt out “caveman comments” that activate F Responses in others. Positive reframes create inner movies in people’s minds of the goals and the action needed to reach them. They also inspire the emotion needed to motivate people to action.
Wendy and Kevin, of the Litle & Co’s Leadership University class of 2012, give real-life examples of how they use reframes for great leadership.
Here are some other great examples of wonderful reframes from one of Litle’s stars. More will follow in later posts.
- Student with daughter Susan (age 9)
Susan and I watched the video on Bob’s blog “Influencing your Inner Movie – The Thinker & The Caveman” together. Susan was eager to “get to the caveman” portion of the video. As we were viewing the overview of the caveman…
Susan: “Caveman. That’s like Ellen when she’s fighting with me!” (Ellen is her 7 year old sister)
Lisa (mommy): “Yes, that’s right!”
Susan: “Or like you when you yell at me.”
Lisa (mommy): “Yes…that’s why mommy is taking this class. So I make better choices and reframe my words to be more positive.”
We talked about caveman behaviors and thinking behaviors, positive and negative comments and even about our Inner Movie. Caveman and Thinking behaviors seem to resonate the most with Susan. We agreed going forward when we got upset with each other or saw caveman behavior in each other we would use a shared “code word” as a reminder to reframe and choose our words more carefully. Susan picked our code word: octopus flare. I agreed it was good choice and would definitely snap me out of my caveman moment!
We’ve reference the caveman and thinker throughout this week since our lesson – and our code word is definitely working. It’s impossible NOT to smile (and laugh) when you’re saying/hearing octopus flare!
- Student with John (husband)
I shared the lesson of The Thinker & The Caveman with my husband John after my conversation with Susan. John’s first observation was how Susan was quick to recognize/call out caveman behaviors in others, but not herself. J
Over the course of this week we’ve talked each night about different segments of the training. Slightly different from my lesson with Susan, John and I have focused more on inner movie, reframing and 10:1 positive to negative comments. And our greatest challenge: TONE.
We both realize an opportunity to reframe our communications with the girls to be more in line with the 10:1 positive to negative comments. Most obvious has been our combined efforts to shift from telling them what NOT to do and reframing it into HOW to do something differently.
We also talked about the Chameleon Effect. Specifically making judgments/assumptions about the girl’s abilities or presumed limitations (our inner movies perhaps?) and allowing that to guide our approach with them. The story of the teacher with gifted/non-gifted children really hit home on the potential negative ramifications.
We’re not perfect – but we are definitely more aware! As you’ll see in the reframe examples following…
I. Caveman Urge: I wanted to ask a team member what they were thinking (sarcastically and with annoyance!!!) offering a client a free trial after we’d already offered the trial as a risk free trial (pay for service upfront with a money back guarantee).
Reframe: I checked my temper and my inner movie and took the time to ask some qualifying questions about what conversations led up to the discussion and how the offer evolved.
Result: Instead of letting my caveman loose and my temper run wild, I asked questions and took time to listen and understand how the situation evolved. In doing so I learned the team member was inadvertently not included in several key discussions leading up to the client call, limiting their insight and resulting in lack of direction. I took the opportunity to review the sequence of events, apologize for my oversight in the process and offer positive observations on where the team member took initiative and responsibility to move the opportunity forward.
II. Caveman Urge: My seven year old daughter, Ellen, is having some trouble with separation anxiety in the morning before going to school. I wanted to tell her not to be sad and to focus on happy things versus how much she misses mommy and daddy during the day.
Reframe: I remembered that referencing the feelings of sadness and missing us would bring up the feelings/thoughts that caused her to be upset in the first place. So instead I said, “I feel like today is going to be a great day!” and steered the conversation toward activities happening that day that I knew she liked (e.g. gym, recess, etc.).
Results: The first day it took a lot of reframing/redirecting and we still had some tears. Today she was less focused on sadness/missing and more focused on feeling like it would be a good day.
III. Caveman Urge: I wanted to tell my nine year old daughter Susan that there would be no more TV in the morning before school unless she started listening to me (and moving faster) when I told her it was time to get dressed and ready for school. (In a loud, frustrated tone)
Reframe: I stopped to consider how my previous comments along those lines had failed to make any difference in our morning routine, and potential for conflict. I thanked Susan for making her bed that morning before being asked and asked her what else was needed done before we headed out to the bus stop.
Results: Susan brushed her teeth and her hair without further prompting and I kept my anxiety (and unnecessary caveman comments) to myself. That night before bed we talked about ideas of things we could do to make getting ready in the morning smoother and less rushed and agreed to set our clothes out the night before.
This Kid is my motivational speaker idol now! Move over Tony Robbins! I’m moving over. Let Kid President take the stage.
I can’t wait to see what he does next.
I was very moved by this beautiful video, and the many affiliated videos, for One Billion Rising.
These folks have captured the essence of positive change as I think of it. They are focusing on the beauty, vitality and preciousness of women to inspire all of us to help bring full rights and protection to all women. And they do it through invigorating music, dance, and testimonials.
Even the videos that show heart-rending examples of abuse end with inspiring power and beauty!
Plus, as a male, I feel completely inspired to be part of this movement. This topic is close to my heart anyway, but the way it is approached is completely positive for all except those actively abusing others. Even some of them can hopefully be inspired to change their ways by the beauty and power of billions of people rising as one around the world.
Some of the other OBR videos that really captured my heart.
http://youtu.be/sVxy9oEShPQ (caution, heart-breaking beginning)
I love helping people transform their lives. I love it so much, I often do it for free. I am on the board of directors of Vital Cycles, and do a lot of volunteering with trauma survivors.
The purpose of Vital Cycles is to empower those who seek joy in living while healing the impacts of emotional trauma.
I was just interviewed on a blogradio program talking at length about trauma, how Vital Cycles helps and other resources for those that deal with emotional trauma.
If you’re interested in hearing the recording click here.